Before I left for New York, I was absolutely terrified. I so specifically remember the excitement and terror that flooded over me when I first heard the job offer from the recruiter. I actually asked him to repeat himself. I was out in the parking structure of my old job and had to walk back into work as if my life hadn’t completely changed forever. Weather I took the job or not, that would have always been the moment where I got my first opportunity to move to New York City, to live my dream. I sat at my desk trying to take deep breaths to stop from sweating and make my hands stop shaking. From that moment and for the next three weeks until I boarded the plane, I experienced a crazy roller coaster of every emotion from sheer terror to overwhelming excitement. There were a couple days that I didn’t sleep or eat and couldn’t think anything but, “what the fuck were you thinking?” Luckily, I was surrounded by the most supportive and loving people I could ask for that talked me off that ledge and reminded me why I applied for jobs in the city to being with. I was getting what I had always dreamed of. I was taking that big risk in life that I always felt destined to do. I was going to have a crazy experience that you only get when you’re young and dumb enough to take those risks. It was what I day dreamed about at work, in traffic, and in between episodes of binge watching Netflix. Between moments of panic and excitement, I couldn’t shake the idea that this was just crazy. What was I thinking moving across the country with no place to live, a job I only interviewed for over the phone, and almost no friends. How in the world was I going to make it? What if I didn’t find a place to live? What if I made no friends? What if I couldn’t handle the freezing cold? What if I couldn’t figure out the subway? All of these questions consumed me to the point that I was convinced I had made the craziest decision ever. But the craziest part of it all though was how much everyone supported me. Everyone knew my situation, knew what I was getting myself into, knew all the challenges I’d be faced with, but not one person said anything negative to me. At my going away party, no one had anything but kind words and encouragement for me. I heard confessions of jealousy and professions of how proud of me people were. All I could tell them was to not be proud yet, I hadn’t done anything…wait until I last a couple months. They all told me I’d be fine. I don’t know what it is they saw in me that I didn’t see myself, but after two weeks I couldn’t be happier with my decision.
The night before my flight I was laying in the guest room (sunshine room) of my parents house watching Netflix on my computer after saying goodbye to my nieces when my mom came in and laid down next to me and cuddled me. I told her I didn’t want to go. Being the amazing mom she is she told me I didn’t have to. I knew I had to. I had made the decision, I wanted to go, but I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified. There aren’t words for it. I have always been a dreamer. I have always told my friends and family of my lofty plans and the hopes I had for my future. I want to travel the world. I want to get a Ph.D. I want start a blog. I want to become a graphic designer. I want to move to New York City. Yeah, I had all of these dreams, but until now I never really had the guts to pursue any of them. I was finally owning up to my promise to myself that I’d start living the life that I wanted, that I dreamed of, to not let my fears dictate my life.
And I did it.
I’ve been in New York City for two weeks now. The first couple of nights I literally couldn’t distinguish between my thoughts and my dreams as I fell asleep. My thoughts had become my dreams. My dreams were things I actually had to think about. Finding an apartment in New York, would I go with Brooklyn or Manhattan, did I want a walk up or an elevator building? New York is so cold, what kind of coat do I want? What kind of boots do I need? The questions of my dreams had become the questions of my reality. I took one of my biggest fears (I still want to travel the world) and I did it. This has been one of the most trying and transformative years of my life. At this point, I am filled with this assurance that I can do anything. I finally believe what everyone told me back at home, even if I come back in a week at least I tried. I stared impending failure in the face and boarded the plane anyway. I don’t know what that means about me. But I know that something that I was terrified of 3 weeks ago is my life now. And I’m really happy about that.